


Three's A Crowd

by Haberdasher



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Dimension Travel, Gay, Implied Sexual Content, Love Triangles, M/M, Multiverse, Nazis, Nudity, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:59:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17367173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haberdasher/pseuds/Haberdasher
Summary: Noir’s relationship with Ham becomes complicated when he grows attached to a man from his own dimension.Inspired by http://duckbats.tumblr.com/post/181652061982/





	Three's A Crowd

Spider-Noir was surrounded by a group of Nazis who seemed intent on cornering him in a dimly-lit alleyway. It was a battle of one against several, and every time he punched out the lights of one Nazi, another one would rise up and take a swing at him.

A pretty typical evening for him, really.

A few blows landed with more force than he would have liked, but he could handle it. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t dealt with before. He’d probably have half the details of the fight forgotten by the next morning.

What Noir hadn’t expected, however, was for a nice-looking man in a suit to see what was going on and join the fray rather than walk on by and pretend he hadn’t seen anything.

As the stranger reached into his pocket and slipped on a pair of brass knuckles, Noir wasn’t entirely sure which side the other man would be on. He hadn’t noticed his Spider-Sense increase upon the man’s appearance, but given that it was nearly overwhelming him as it was, that didn’t mean much. Noir watched the stranger carefully, ready to take him on if need be-

And watched as the stranger delivered a solid left hook into the jaw of one of the Nazis.

Noir nodded slightly in approval, and without sharing a word, the two men began to work together to tackle the threat in front of them.

Noir could have handled the fight himself, he was sure of it, but he couldn’t deny that it was nice to have a bit of help all the same. It meant a few less hits landing on him, a few less aches and pains he’d have to contend with throughout the night.

As the fight drew to a close, with all of the Nazis that had attacked Noir left unconscious, webbed into immobilization, or both, Noir turned towards the stranger that had fought alongside him.

The man extended a hand in his direction. “I’m John.”

Some small part of Noir wanted to reciprocate the gesture, to tell John his own first name, but the rest of him knew better than to share such important information with someone who was practically a stranger. Information like that always came with a cost, and even if this John really did mean well, it would be better for everyone involved if he knew as little as possible about Noir’s true identity, just in case.

“Spider-Man.” Noir took John’s hand. His grip was firm, but not overly so; his hand was warm, but not sweaty. The man knew how to give a good handshake.

John looked into Noir’s eyes- or, rather, the eyes of his suit- as he deadpanned, “Never would have guessed.”

Noir didn’t laugh, but the tips of his mouth did curl ever so slightly upward.

 

After they were reunited, after they had obtained a means of inter-dimensional travel that didn’t come with the risk of their cells violently glitching and dying in the process, the other spider-people had started to refer to their group as the “Spider-Family”, or “Spider-Fam” for short.

Noir wasn’t so sure he bought into that idea.

Okay, so Miles, Gwen, and Peni would be the kids of this supposed family, which made some sense to him, even as the three protested that they were mature and capable and didn’t need to be babied by the older members of their group. And Noir supposed that he could see Peter B. as the brother he’d never had, in a way.

But Noir’s feelings about Spider-Ham weren’t familial in the slightest.

They were... different.

The two had never outright talked about it, had never put a word to this strange attraction between them, but when it came time to rest the two always ended up side by side, body pressed into body, the feeling warm and soothing and  _right_.

 

John had a knack for showing up when Noir was in the middle of a tough fight. If he hadn’t known better, Noir could have sworn that the man had a Spider-Sense of his own.

The second and third time they bumped into one another, they shared a table at a local coffee shop afterwards.

The fourth time the two met, they rented a hotel room nearby, though they both returned home well before dawn.

But it wasn’t until the fifth time that Noir and John came face-to-face, after Noir invited John up to his apartment, that the two really got a chance to talk.

Noir let loose a few things. That his name was Peter (though John still preferred to call him “Spidey”). That when he wasn’t Spider-Man, he was a private eye. That he was lonely. That last one almost felt like a lie, after he had gotten to know the other spider-people better, gotten to know  _Ham_  better, but loneliness had been ground into his soul for a long time now, and a handful of meetings with kindred spirits from other dimensions wasn’t enough to change that.

John let loose a few things, too. That he was a Chicago native, having moved to New York City only a few months prior to their first meeting. That he’d never gotten this close to another man before. That he was a radio host.

Noir listened to John’s radio show whenever he had the chance, in between hunting down bad guys both as a private eye and as Spider-Man. The man was talented, that much was for sure. Despite everything, John’s show always managed to make Noir laugh.

But then, that was what had first attracted Noir to Ham as well- that the pig could make him laugh.

He had gone so long without laughing, before.

 

“Noir? Hey, Noir!”

Noir snapped to attention. They were in Gwen’s dimension, now, in the middle of a movie marathon- horror films, mostly, as Halloween was quickly approaching.

(Halloween wasn’t a holiday that Noir particularly cared for; it was hard enough tracking down bad guys when they were the only ones wearing masks.)

Noir should have been enjoying himself, should have been focusing on the movies and on the other spider-people and on how Ham was squeezed in between himself and the wall, but his mind kept drifting elsewhere. And now, apparently, Ham at least had noticed.

“What is it?” Noir asked.

“What pizza toppings do you want?”

Oh, that was all. Somehow that wasn’t what Noir had been expecting. “I’ll eat whatever everyone else wants. I’m not picky.”

Noir almost went on to mention why he wasn’t picky, how he had learned too well how it felt when money was tight and having food on the table might as well have been a minor miracle, how to him food was just fuel and he would eat anything put in front of him just the same, grateful to have any food at all- but they didn’t need to hear all that. He didn’t need their pity.

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Ham rested one arm across Noir’s shoulders. “You’ve been acting kind of weird today, Noir.”

“Weirder than normal, you mean?” Noir didn’t have to turn around to tell that the voice was that of Gwen, her voice muffled by the potato chips she was shoveling into her mouth. Neither Noir nor Ham deigned to dignify her comment with a response.

“Penny for your thoughts, mister tall dark and handsome?”

Noir’s face grew hot as Ham finished his sentence. That was about as blatant as Ham’s flirting ever got, at least when the others were around.

And then Noir remembered what, exactly, he had been so distracted by in the first place... or rather,  _who_  had been so distracting.

Ham deserved to know. It wasn’t fair for him to be carrying on with another man behind Ham’s back, Noir knew that. But Noir also didn’t want to get into it while everyone else was around, didn’t want to derail an evening’s entertainment with discussion of his love life.

Noir made a decision, one that he knew he might live to regret.

“...nothing. It’s nothing.”

 

Noir and John were side by side in Noir’s bed. Noir was getting tired, though he’d never admit it. It had been a long day, and a long evening as well.

“Pity what the world’s coming to these days.” Noir said.

John nodded. “I know what you mean.”

“I’m glad somebody does, at least. Just look at what’s happening in Germany- look here in America, even, Nazis taking to the streets-”

“At least we’re doing what we can to shut them down here.” John replied. As Noir murmured his agreement, John continued, “It is scary, though. And it’s personal for me- I mean, my wife is Jewish, and she’s wonderful, I-”

“Your... wife is Jewish.” Noir repeated.

It took a moment for John to realize what exactly he had just said, for his eyes to grow dark with emotions Noir couldn’t quite place. “Oh, that sounds bad, doesn’t it...”

“Your  _wife_  is Jewish.” Noir stood up and started to throw his clothes back on, his mind racing. He was disappointed in John, sure, but more than that, he was disappointed in himself. He was a private eye, for God’s sake, he made his living off of noticing details that others would overlook, and yet he hadn’t realized that he’d been sleeping with a married man.

“Spidey- Peter, it’s not what it sounds like, I can explain-”

“I think you should go, John.”

John stood up, but made no motion to put his clothes back on or to head towards Noir’s apartment door. Instead, he took a deep breath, then let it out before saying, “Annie and I have an... understanding.”

Noir’s eyes narrowed. “Explain yourself.”

“Before we got married, we each chose one celebrity that we could sleep with if we got the chance, regardless of our marital vows. She chose Gary Cooper. I chose Spider-Man.”

“You’re joking.”

John didn’t waver even slightly. “No. For once in my life, I swear, I am not joking. Scout’s honor.” John made a gesture crossing his heart before adding, “Granted, I don’t think either of us were expecting to actually take advantage of it...”

“Have you told her? About... about us?”

“I have, yes.”

“What did she say?”

“That I owe her a ticket to Hollywood.”

Noir couldn’t help but laugh, despite the circumstances. It was ridiculous, really. It was just ridiculous enough to be true. “I’ll help pay for that ticket.”

“I’ll let Annie know you said that. She’ll probably get a kick out of it.”

Silence loomed in the room as Noir picked his next words carefully.

“I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely forthright with you either, John. There’s somebody else in my life, too.”

John’s eyes widened. “Really? Because your apartment screams bachelor to me...”

Noir wasn’t sure whether to take John’s comment as an insult, or an attempted joke, or a mere observation. Nevertheless, he pressed forward with his speech. “Well, he doesn’t live here. He doesn’t even live in this dimension, actually. His name is Peter, too, and he... he’s a pig. A talking cartoon pig. With spider powers like mine. Because he used to be a spider.”

John laughed. Noir hadn’t had the opportunity to hear John laugh much. It was a beautiful sound. “Now, Spidey, I’ve never heard you joke like that before-”

“I’m being deadly serious right now.”

John’s laughter died as abruptly as it began, replaced with a look of pronounced befuddlement.

“It’s a bit of a long story...”

 

The next time their group of spider-people got together, as they sat together on a rooftop in Peter B.’s dimension, Noir pulled Ham aside and cleared his throat before speaking.

“We need to talk.”

“Well, I’m always glad to talk to y-”

“Let me clarify. We need to talk, alone. I don’t want the others to hear.”

“Got it.”

The two swung over to another building before facing one another.

“There’s somebody else.” Noir’s voice was low, almost a whisper, partly because he didn’t want the sound to carry over to where the others were sitting, partly because he felt like saying it too loudly would make it seem that much more real.

Ham didn’t share the same mindset; his response was as loud as his usual speech, or perhaps even slightly louder. “Another spider? Well, I-”

“No, not another spider. Just a-” Noir faltered for a moment, and when he resumed talking, he couldn’t look Ham in the eye. “-a man. A nice man, who I’ve grown... close to, over the past few weeks.”

“From your dimension?” Ham asked.

Noir looked back at Ham and blinked a few times before answering. He had anticipated a number of possible questions from Ham, but that hadn’t been one of them. “Yes, from my dimension.”

“See? I knew your world couldn’t all be as doom and gloom as you made it out to be.”

“Is that a joke?" Noir’s voice grew louder with every word. Part of him knew that if he spoke too loudly, the others would hear; part of him didn’t really care at this point. “Is this all some big joke to you?”

“No!” Ham protested. “But- you’re not- is this your way of telling me we’re through?”

Noir held one hand against his temple. “Well, I- I care about you, but I care about him, too, and if I have to pick one of you I don’t-”

“You don’t have to pick.”

Noir let his hand fall to his side as he looked at Ham. “What?”

“You heard me. You don’t have to pick. Just because you care about one person doesn’t mean you can’t care about someone else. That’s not how it works.”

“So you’re- you’re fine with me being with... someone else?”

“Sure.” Ham paused for a moment before adding, “As long as he’s fine with it, too.”

“He- he is. We had a talk about it.”

“Man, would I have loved to be a fly on that wall.” Ham muttered just quietly enough that Noir wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to have heard it. In a normal voice, Ham added, “So, tell me about this new beau of yours.”

“His... his name is John, and he’s a radio host...”

 

John wasn’t usually in Noir’s apartment in the middle of the day, but then, that wasn’t going to be the most unusual thing about this particular meeting of theirs.

“When is he going to get here?” John asked.

“Any second now.” Noir replied.

Indeed, it was only a matter of seconds before Spider-Ham materialized out of thin air at Noir’s side.

Before Ham and John could utter a word to one another, Noir introduced the two. “Peter, meet John. John, meet Peter.”

The two extended their hands at roughly the same time, though John had to crouch down to complete their handshake.

“Pleasure to meet ya.” Ham said.

“Likewise.” John replied. A moment later, he added, “Now what is all of-” John pointed in the general vicinity of Ham. “-that?”

“Color. It’s color.” Ham clarified. “Specifically red-” Ham pointed at his mask- “And blue.” Ham pointed at his legs. “I know, you’re not used to the stuff.”

“You can say that again.”

As the two talked, Noir tried and failed to suppress a laugh.

Both Ham and John looked over at Noir.

“What is it?”

“It’s not that funny, is it?”

“No...” Noir replied. “It’s- the same voice. You two have the same voice.”

“What are you talking ab-”

“No, that can’t be-”

“ _Oh my God we have the same voice_.”

Noir wondered if the voice similarity was part of some greater connection between the two. He tried to remember if any of the Peter Parkers- which Ham wasn’t, as he was Peter  _Porker_ , and from what Ham had explained regarding his origin story, he hadn’t even started out with that surname- had shared a voice. His voice wasn’t the same as Peter B.’s, that much Noir knew, but did it match that of the Peter from Miles’ world, the one who had died trying to stop what had both endangered the rest of them and brought them all together? Was Spider-Woman Gwen Stacy’s voice the same as that of the Gwen Stacy that Peter B. had alluded to before, but never seemed to want to talk about?

Noir didn’t know the answers to these questions off-hand, but nevertheless, it felt like two pieces that he had struggled to fit together in his mind for so long were finally fitting into place.

And, perhaps more importantly, both Ham and John had joined in Noir’s laughter, and the two were sharing jokes now, and...

And it had all worked out, somehow.

He had two sources of laughter in his life now, and it seemed that both of them were here to stay.

Perhaps he was ready to start making up for lost time.


End file.
